A loser like me!

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Self doubt …  that perpetual guest! Once you welcome it in your life, it acts as though it’s there forever. It knows no distinction between a success or a failure. It ‘s a parasite and uses all means to create its own life and procreate.


You wonder if you made the right decision. You wonder if you have chosen the correct route. You wonder if you have made the correct choice or bought the best item. You wonder if you’re good enough. You wonder if you’re adequate. But it does not stop there. Because once you start doubting, you never actually stop. Or it never stops. Doubt never ceases. Oh no no! You are not in charge anymore. Don’t you dare think your mind belongs to you or your passion. Because whatever you think you want or not want…whatever you think you feel or don’t feel…you are probably wrong …but is that what you think or is it that your doubt doing on your behalf…I have already told you…you no longer belong to you. You are just a reflection of your doubt. It is in charge now.


But let’s just take a glance on life without self-doubt. What kind of attitude would we have without ever second guessing ourselves. You probably have people springing up in your head already. You know, those people who seem too obviously confident to think the thing twice. Those really annoying people who make you feel like you are putting yourself under a magnifying glass. You start thinking that if you only reach that goal or accomplish that target that you will be just fine and that self-doubt will be off on its way to the next pathetic, self-doubting -probably also self-pitying, self-loathing loser. But that never happens! why? Simply because -and that’s actually brand new to me- the goal reaching, target accomplishing procedure takes lots of time and effort and involves multiple choices and numerous tiny decisions through which you doubt yourself and rethink everything and change your mind more than just often. So it does not come easy to you and it does not ground you and it does not enhance your self-confidence.  How sad is that! How unhappy it makes me to see some of the brightest, most talented people fall into that trap and allowing it to take over their lives. It prevents them from growing into the fine creatures they were originally meant to be. It stops them from trusting their inner voices and sharing their magic.


And the sad truth is  nothing actually makes it better. Not the next step, not the next goal reached, not the next dream realized, not love, not marriage, not kids, not the Master’s, not the PHD, not even Nobel Prize. Nothing changes your idea of you but you. Nothing adds to your self-worth or your sense of self-worth. You are worthy on your own, lovely on your own. Don’t talk down to yourself. Don’t compare your dreams to others’. It scares me that all through my life, the truly talented were often defeated by the loud voices of the talentless. It broke my heart and tested my faith to see arrogant, egotistical and -more often than not- self-righteous idiots manage to disparage genuine genius. So if someone manages to speak up in moments when you fail to…don’t mind. Speaking up doesn’t mean thinking faster or better. And always remember Mark Twain’s quote “I write better than anyone who writes faster and I write faster than anyone who writes better”. I find him a person who always wins with himself. You should do the same. Win with yourslef. Think highly of yourself. And if you ever find out that someone’s dream is to write a book and yours is to start a family, that doesn’t make you simple or superficial or weak or dependent. It makes you you! And I love you and you should really love you too.

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