Reminiscing

Was it as beautiful as I remember it? I really don’t know! All I know is that how I remember it makes it seem so beautiful. It makes me glad I had such beautiful memories with such beautiful people. Would I change anything about it? I would …probably a million things… but then I guess it’s wanting it to have remained forever that makes me reminisce and scrutinize every single detail thinking about what I could have done or changed or made right. Maybe not giving up when it got so hard…maybe not letting them go so easily or maybe I would have simply wanted it to remain a little longer…for all I remember I wanted to escape…all along wanted to break free…as much as I loved every bit of it …for all I remember I rebelled… I wanted out…I wanted to prove that I could be better…best …in fact …be someone else…other than the one they know…someone who could dazzle …although they were never really my fight…but they had to take all the anger. But it also seems to me that for as long as I could remember … I was never really good enough for any of them either…they all wanted to escape as well…and they did. Each on their own time. When they had the chance …but the ones who left fist were the most precious…which made it so much harder…I felt abandoned…I wasn’t good enough or better …never just enough…I fought for a while to get them back but they came with a baggage that I couldn’t really take…I was that jealous…that angry…and all of a sudden I wanted out as well…and some other worlds seemed wider and more dazzling…I tried those worlds and they had a print on me…then they became a part of me as I’ve become part of them…then they became me and I them.

I wonder sometimes if I would’ve liked to remain in that old world of mine with those beautiful people…but my guess is that I would have left as well breaking some hearts and hurting some feelings without the slightest notion…but all I know is that for all my life they will forever remain the most beautiful people…the most beautiful of memories…they are probably more beautiful than I remember and abundant than I could remember…regretfully…but I also know I am who I am because of them not in spite of them and those worlds that became a part of me only seem to fit because of who I already was when I got into them.

Miss you guys…scattered all over the world. But one sure thing I believe is that we will forever be bound…and if I miss you’ you probably do me too. And if I love you …you definitely love me back. But I really have to say; the hardest moments of my life were the ones I had to say good-bye to any one of you and to my greatest sorrow…they were so many…much more than I would like to count…moments that my heart aches remembering anything of the furthest connection to them…the scent of the trees…the streets…the music…the saddened looks and the many, many promises that were given and the high hopes of them being kept…the pang in my heart with any call I missed…the dropped tear with a voice heard from so far away on the other side of the line…enhancing distance more than connection…I miss you all…I still do…and the pain never really goes away…and the distance is always there…but I really do pray to God that someday…somehow…my heart will rest …in peace…amongst you…reassured of your presence and the indescribable pleasure of your company.