I wonder how I will make it without you. I wonder how the days will pass without your presence. People create the essence of places and you were the essence of my life. Everything revolved around you; all hopes and dreams. All the ideas and notions in the world sprang through you.
What would life be like without your scent hanging in the air? What meaning would it have without sharing it with you? Why would I carry on knowing I can not be with you? Why would I carry on knowing I can not stand a chance? Why would I carry on knowing I do not have it in me to fight? Why would I carry on knowing I can not win you over? Why would I fight if I can not fight for you? What am I supposed to do now that you are gone? What am I supposed to do when I am defeated? What kind of life should I now live? What sort of dreams should I dream? How can I accept to get by without your heart beating in my chest? Weren’t you the one who breathes when I forget to? And your feet that used to tread on my dreams, what kind of path will they lead now? And that heartwrenching pain that does not seem to cease, will I ever learn to live with it?
What kind of doomed world is this? What kind of world is it if I can not fight for you? What kind of world if they are closer to you…than me? What kind of world are we living if all the dreams, all the plans, all that love can not be shared with you? And all those memories, what am I supposed to do with them? How can I start over when I can still feel you around? I still smell you around. I still remember the touch of your fingers caressing my cheeks. I can sill hear your thoughts and see your smile. I thought anger will help me out but it drained me. You left me stranded behind unable to sort my thoughts out of yours. I did not know if my faith belonged to me. I did not know if the dreams I am living were mine or traces of you. I did not know …
You left a whole in my heart and I left room for you in my life. I reserved some space for you in case you wanted me back. But what you did to me was nothing compared to what I did to myself. I still loved you, waited for you. I still wanted you, after all that you had done, I still prayed for you, to come back to me. I prayed for my life to be back. Little had I known that it was never my life. You never belonged to me….I never should have belonged to you. An all that fear that I had of a life lived without you turned out to be a big lie fed by you over the years. For I have lived without you. I have made it without you. I am happy and peaceful without you. And when you came back telling me that our time apart was the best time of your life, I did not have the desire to show my happiness off.
But you my darling have made a big mistake. You made me get over my fear of living without you…that fear that held me back for so long. You made my realize there was a life beyond the restrictions of your rules and my mind. You made me win me back. Thanks to you, I am no more broken. Thanks to you I am no more defeated. Thanks to me, I am once again the dreamer!
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