I don’t understand the process and I don’t accept the repercussions. I don’t believe I should give in to the circumstances at hand and I don’t believe in surrendering to abhorrent facts. I don’t accept that a chosen few worthless lunatics should rule over the world. Perhaps not the world…but my small little world. The one I have chosen for myself and built my life around.
And it is difficult to think that you, as a grown up, as a mature being- are unable to scream and yell; “you idiots, NO, you won’t rule the world, not my world. Not after that much effort exerted in selecting every thought and every word, not after painting it with every vivid colour, with every deep tone.” And you know as a grown up, as a mature being, you are supposed to be smart; to conform. You are supposed to be serious and reserved in handling serious issues. You are supposed to let go and give in to the status quo. You are supposed to accept the daily truth of losing your ground one square inch at a time, of retreating a little by little. And all the sane voices seem to scream “surrender”. But I can’t … and I won’t…I want to jump up and down and hit the floor with my feet. I want to utter a decisive “NO” that would shake the walls of life. But I don’t know how to anymore. At first; my heart could not accept defeat. It could not accept that much injustice; at least not so deeply and so frequently and so boldly.
But I am so tired today. And I feel so defeated already. My head hurts and my energy is so depleted. And my soul is so lost. I always feel this way when I lose one big fight but I always had the faith that tomorrow would be a new day, and it’s not the case this time. This time I wonder why not give up, why not walk away. I wonder why not take the easy way out and choose myself first. And for the first time I start questioning; will I be giving up on the rest of the people as well; the people I have enthused oh so conscientiously? Will this be the story I leave behind? The girl who had the fight but gave up when things seemed depressing? Or will I be completely forgotten? Coz the problem does not lie in difficulty anymore. I could fight but there is no battle. I now have to accept defeat and stick around and in that lies my biggest of battles; to live with my wounds and deal with their gloat. Will my inflated ego tolerate that? Will I be able to take over that type of fight? When it comes to yelling, screaming and pointing fingers; everyone seems to be an expert. Even planning and tactics seem to be an art that could be learned. But patience, composure and grace? How will I be able to fight me? And perhaps my words here chronicle my path and someday I shall look back on a path of perpetual defeat. Perhaps I should accept defeat, perhaps I should surrender and accept the process. Perhaps I shall, through serenity, discover a rekindled passion for things long forgotten.
“Before success comes in any man’s life, he’s sure to meet with much temporary defeat and, perhaps some failures. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and the most logical thing to do is to quit. That’s exactly what the majority of men do.”
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